How to Save a Life

September is National Suicide Awareness Month. It happens to be a difficult time for me for the past few years.

You see, on October 2, 2018, I lost Amanda. She was a 29-year-old graduate student in Psychology and someone who I worked with for nine and a half years. She was one of my favorite people as she was intuitive, highly inquisitive, intelligent, empathic to a fault but also had so many emotional challenges. A beautiful young woman, Amanda contained too much pain.

Mental Health professionals rarely speak about their feelings about their clients/patients. We are supposed to listen and figure things out to empower others’ lives. We mainly do that well. Personally, I acquired a lot of different skills and abilities as a Psychologist and Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner over my career. I have over 30 years of experience and have lost track of the number of people I have seen. I know it is over 10,000 but Amanda was different than most. All she wanted to do is express kindness and love to the world to make it better.

Even though I can do cognitive-behavioral and dialectic behavioral therapy as well as prescribe useful psychiatric medications for depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder, Amanda would often tell me that nothing I could do was going to work.

“You just don’t understand, I’m not worthy. I’m broken and can’t be fixed. I will kill myself at a time of my choosing and when nobody will expect it.”

If I heard this once I heard it over fifty or more times. Of course, I imparted confidence, positive energy, faith, as well as enumerating her many lovely traits. This usually worked.

Often, Amanda would say, “You and I are the dream team! We got this.” 

I thought we did.

Amanda knew the emptiness of suicidal depression. So did I, having experienced it in my teenage years. She saved the lives of at least three people that I know of, more.

There is a song by The Fray that Amanda knew with a particular chorus that now makes me sick every time I hear it played.

“Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness. And I would have stayed with you up all night had I known how to save a life.”

Amanda stayed up with many all through the night and absorbed their pain and bitterness. She could not and would not sleep because of her aversion to the night. We spoke about “How to Save a Life” and I indicated that she knew how to do this better than I ever could, even with all my knowledge and expertise.

When I received the call from her father that Amanda killed herself, I had two horrible thoughts. Despite having acquired a new car, being named to a special research project on trauma and resilience, and a first date scheduled to meet a new guy, she fulfilled her prophecy. The second thought was disbelief that she was gone. Seeing her in a casket a few days later with a grieving family was among the worst things I have ever experienced. I remember saying “Oh my dear girl, what have you done?”

I did not have any guilt because I did everything I knew how to do. Her suicide note asked for forgiveness and that I take care of her family. That I have done.

The thing is that Amanda was so preceptive, caring of others, and ahead of her time. Her death is profoundly sad and I think of her every day. She is the motivation for Being Worthy.

So, my friends, during the month of September and beyond, here’s how you can save a life. I found these five steps at BETHE1TO.com

1. Be the 1 to Ask 

Ask the tough question. When somebody you know is in emotional pain, ask them directly: “Are you thinking about killing yourself?”

2. Be the 1 to Be There 

If your friend is thinking about suicide, listen to their reasons for feeling hopeless and in pain. Listen with compassion and empathy and without dismissing or judging.

3. Be the 1 to Keep Them Safe

Is your friend thinking about suicide? Ask if they have thought about how they would do it and separate them from anything they could use to hurt themselves.

4. Be the 1 to Help Them Connect

Help your friend connect to a support system, whether it’s 800-273-TALK (8255), family, friends, clergy, coaches, co-workers, or therapists, so they have a network to reach out to for help. I would add any emergency department at the nearest local hospital can find life-saving treatment.

5. Be the 1 to Follow Up

Check-in with the person you care about on a regular basis. Making contact with a friend in the days and weeks after a crisis can make a difference in keeping them alive. Don’t let them say, “I’m fine.”  Say: “No really, how are you really feeling?”

I learned through Amanda that it’s essential to impart to people that they are innately worthy and that they matter to you. They will try to convince you that they are not. Be that Worthy Warrior and help your friend or loved one fight their demons by being a strong ally. It matters because you both matter.