The Golden Tool of Worthiness

The acceptance of worthiness as innate comes with the understanding that people have the fundamental right to be cared for, loved, and be treated with respect. One of the best cognitive behavioral skills that promotes and ensures self-worth is assertion.

Assertion is indeed the golden tool of worthiness.

Assertiveness is a necessary skill when negotiating a starting salary, a pay raise, or agreeing on a fee for goods and services. You’re simply requesting for what you believe you’re worthy of and deserve.

We can define assertion as effective, positive, clear, and direct communication that does not infringe upon the rights of others. It also attempts to be fair with an equitable transaction in all relationships.

This is very different from aggressive behavior which is antisocial, crossing personal boundaries, manipulative, loud and downright mean.

(By the way, I’m getting pretty fed up with mean. Mean people. Mean talk. Mean attitudes and a screw-you ethic. I’m so over it!)

Don’t confuse assertion with aggressive behavior. Women are particularly acculturated “to be nice” and often do not assert themselves in situations where they should. This includes refusal assertion which uses a simple “no.” If you’re unsure how to do this, a simple “I’d love to, but I can’t” works. You don’t have to offer any explanation unless you want to. Too often, people feel that they’re entitled to a justification of your “no” response. “Why not?” can be answered with “I just gave you my answer and it’s no”.

Lots of good books are out there to learn more about refusal assertion. Herbert Fensterheim and Jean Baer put out a little gem of a book entitled Don’t Say Yes When You Want to Say No. The Queen of No is Sarah Knight who wrote F**k No! The titles pretty much say it all.

People are often worried about saying “no” out of fear of not being liked, judged as selfish or bitchy.

Change your perspective. Refusal assertion is the guardian of worthiness. It gets you out of situations that have the potential of compromising or overcommitting yourself to things you don’t want to do.

Have some fun with this. Write down some refusal phrases. “I’m going with a no on that.” “Not in my skill set.” “Really? Seriously? No.” “Yeah…. no.” “Hell, no!” Be creative and make sure to rehearse them in the mirror.

Two other authors and researchers who have spent their careers writing about assertion are Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons. I highly recommend their book Your Perfect Right: A Guide to Assertive Behavior, which was first written in 1970 and has come out in 10 subsequent editions over the years. I have used this book not only in my personal development, my clinical work but also in my doctoral dissertation.

Here’s more to think about. Assertion has to do with knowing what you want and need and being persistent within reason. Stop doing “Jeopardy-Talk”. Do you speak in the form of a question? Do you tend to ask many questions in your everyday speech patterns? How about stating things in a declarative sentence? Use the active voice. Act don’t yak!

In a consumer situation, I never raise my voice. I’m very clear about what I want and if someone can’t help me, I politely ask for someone who can. Always jot down the name of the person who is helping you on the phone and address them by name. It helps. When all else fails, I write assertive letters to the CEOs of corporations, and I’ve been known to file complaints with the local department of consumer affairs which licenses all businesses.

You rarely have to act in a rageful matter if you get this assertion act together. Anger is OK. It clarifies and is respectful of your relationships. Rage is hurtful, puts people down as it’s a win at all costs. Yelling doesn’t get you heard any better and often leads to passive-aggressive non-compliance and resentment. Ever watch people yelling and screaming over each other? How’s that working for them?

Remember that assertion is a truly awesome and empowering behavioral tool that both enhances and protects your personal cornerstone of worthiness. Make it so, Number One!